Welcome!

This is my first attempt at blogging. I am not a ‘write it down’ type of girl. My dad always told me that if you don’t want someone to read it, don’t write it down. If you don’t want someone to hear it, don’t say it out loud. Well, with social media and blogging being popular now and everyone putting it all down for the world to read, I have decided to write about my life and my journey.

I was never popular. I had a small handful of friends growing up. I didn’t need a lot of friends to fulfill my life. The few that I had were very important to me. I never had a lot of money. I was and still am just a middle of the road working mom. I live paycheck to paycheck, and struggle like most everyone out there. The economy doesn’t seem to be getting better. If it is, it sure isn’t in my neck of the woods.

I am married to my soul mate, Penny. I love her with all of me. We will be celebrating our year wedding anniversary June 30, 2012. I can’t imagine my life without her. She is my best friend, my partner, my wife… the love of my life. Then there is AngelLeigha, my little mini-me. I can’t even describe how much I love her! She is adopted. Angel was born prematurely at 21 weeks and weighed 2 pounds 2 ounces. She was in NICU for over 3months after she was born so early. She was very neglected and a mess when my ex-partner and I got her on her one year birthday. Only those close to us know Angel’s whole story. Long story short, she is now a walking, talking smart 5 year old, now kindergartner. You would not know by looking at her that she had such a rough start in life.

I share custody of Angel with my ex-partner (Mechelle).Angel lives with Mechelle full-time. I get her every other weekend, every other holiday, and I see her every week day, to take her to school. We put her in a private Christian school. She is doing so well.Angel just graduated preschool a couple weeks ago. I am so proud of her! She has come so far!

The reason for this blog is to make myself accountable for things in my life. I tend to be flighty and forgetful. My worst problem is that I have lost control of my eating and my weight. I can’t seem to get it under wraps. I obsess about food. I worry about what my next snack or meal will be and when. If I don’t have something readily available so I know it’s there, it stresses me out. I don’t even have to eat it; just knowing it is there comforts me. I have been obese, yes I said it, OBESE! MORBIDLY OBESE (I HATE those words), as far as I can remember. As much as I hate the sound of those words, they sure don’t stop me from obsessing and over eating. Now I am not talking that I can sit down and eat a whole large pizza in one sitting. No, I eat half the pizza (4 pieces). I don’t drink a 2 liter of soda with a meal. I will have a can of soda. I now drink diet soda. Don’t get me wrong… I can eat. It is just that I eat often – because I worry and obsess over it, it seems to comfort me in some sort of distorted way, and it’s the bad things that I eat. I love a piece of cake for a snack before bedtime with some ice cream and a glass of milk. Or a piece of pie with a glass of milk before bedtime. I don’t know what the word is that I am looking for, but my physical activity is almost none. Sedentary, that’s the word that just hit me. That is what I am. Sedentary. Couch potato. Well at the rate I am going, I am going to be a whole sack of potatoes on my couch if I don’t get control.

A little background: In 2010, about this time of year, I got approved for the Gastric Bypass Surgery. Where they cut away most of your stomach from the rest of it, to make it smaller. (sounds fun doesn’t it?) My surgery was set for August 2, 2010. At that time I was in a bad place in my life. I wanted a quick fix, no matter how drastic it was. When I was just 6 days away from surgery, and I cancelled it. My life was a mess, and so was I. My long term partnership with Mechelle (Angels other mom) ended in February 22, 2010. My father suddenly passed away March 28, 2010. My maternal grandmother passed away April 27, 2010. I had not yet dealt with any of those. I got into a fast relationship that turned abusive (emotionally, spiritually, and verbally) slowly over the weeks and months. I didn’t think I could get out of it. I was desperate to find my sanity again. I had no car, no job, hardly any money and no place to go so I could get out. My family is in the Kansas City MO area. I needed to get myself and my life together for me and Angel. And I did, just that.

The last two years have been such a growing and learning time in my life. I got out of the abusive relationship. I went to a battered women’s shelter, so I was essentially homeless. I was there for seven weeks. That was the longest seven weeks of my life. My mom gave me my father’s car, so me and Angel would be able to get around. Since I was at the shelter, I was approved for help to get my own apartment. And then I found this job. It all fell into place, once I made myself accountable for what I had gotten myself into.

Now I am very happy with my life. I have a great job. I have a wonderful wife and we have been married a year now, and a beautiful daughter. My family is a great support system. My mom, my brother, Onya, Nic and Jesse are my close family. I love them all to pieces. They are all back near Kansas City MO, in my home town. I miss them and love them so much! I have great friends. Most of them are online, and they support me accordingly. I have friends all over the world online. And have had these same friends for years. Even if we don’t talk every day anymore, they know I am there for them, as they are for me. No matter what choices I make, my family and friends are there if I need them. J

I want my blog to have a purpose. Not just writing down my life or feelings. I want to inspire. I want to be successful with my weight loss. It is going to be a rough start, but it can be done. Baby steps, I say, Baby steps. You have to start somewhere.

So this is where I am starting… NO MORE VERTICAL STRIPES. All of my bigger friends know what this means… that us fat people wear vertical stripes to give the illusion that we are thinner than what we really are. So, as of today, I am not going to wear vertical stripes anymore to make me look smaller. I am going to be smaller! It may take me 2 years or 5 years, but I am going to do it. I need to lose weight for my health. I want to be around to watch Angel get married and have grandchildren. I want to have a long happy life with my wife.

So as of right now I am going to make changes: some are small and some are big. These changes deal with choices. We make choices daily for everything. When the alarm goes off do I hit snooze or do I go ahead and get up? Do I make the bed when I get up or leave it in disarray? Do I make that pie I have been craving (more like obsessing about) or do I choose to eat no-sugar added applesauce instead? Do I give in and have a delicious full calorie loaded Pepsi, or drink that bottle of water I have been holding on to for days?

Well with our lives being all about choices, I am changing some of those choices that I make. For instance, I am using Splenda, Stevia, or Truvia instead of full calorie sugar. I am drinking a Diet Pepsi if I crave a real Pepsi. If I want kool-aid, I go for Crystal Light type drinks. I use the 1/3 reduced fat cream cheese instead of the regular one. Did you know fat free items have more carbs than a reduced fat item? Fat free cool whip has more carbs than the regular cool whip. I try to compare foods as often as I can. Sugar free Jello is a great snack. Angel can’t tell the difference.  And neither can I.

Well this is long enough for my first blog. I hope I have given you all something to think about or maybe some encouragement, or inspiration to make some changes. If you make the changes small, and slowly… the impact is far less drastic.