Well this is my second blog and I have decided that I will blog atleast once a week. So what has happened with me since my first blog? Well let's see... Penny and I will be celebrating our one year wedding anniversary tomorrow. Angel is growing up so fast. Her first day of kindergarten will be here before I know it (Aug 27). She finally gave in and let me cut her hair off. It was so long, unhealthy and tangled with just the wind blowing. I was over it! lol. Her hair was almost down to her waistline. She has told me no for so long, about cutting her hair, that I was in shock when she finally told me yes. It is now up to her shoulders in a sort of bob cut, with bangs. She loves it, and she looks so cute. OF COURSE SHE DOES!!!

Ok, now on to the big news.... I am getting the lap-band surgery done. I had my first initial consultation done this week and Penny went with me. I like the doctor and his staff. This is a MUCH safer procedure then the bypass, and I feel much more comfortable in knowing that I can succeed with this weight loss help. If all goes well, and there are no hang ups with my appointments that are mandatory, and my health insurance company.... I should be having my surgery around Aug 21. No set date yet. Won't know til it gets closer. Just depends on everything else.

Thank the BIG MAN UPSTAIRS! That I don't have any life threatening medical issues, just yet. I AM JUST FAT!!! I don't have high blood pressure, or diabetes. And I don't have high cholesterol. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs. So really other than being morbidly obese, I am ok. This surgery will help me, not get to these life threatening medical concerns, that would happen sooner if I stayed Morbidly Obese for much longer. I am not saying I don't have things wrong with me... which I do... I have horrible acid reflux, headaches/sometimes migraines, and I have degenerative disk disease in my lowerback. These are not life threatening but they do play a major role with my weight. Once I lose the weight, I shouldn't have acid reflux anymore. My headaches and migraines should lessen. Having the weight gone, will help my degenerative disk disease. There wont be as much pressure on my lower back where I have the problems.

So since I have decided to get the lap-band done, I have done SOME MAJOR THINKING!!! Every day I come up with something new to think about and talk to Penny about. She laughs at me and says she doesn't know the answers to my questions. I am going to share some of my thoughts and questions.... now remember, this is all coming from a fat girls perspective, trying to think like a thinner girl....

1. I will have a lap for Angel to sit on! I don't remember having a lap, EVER, since I have always been FLUFFY! lol.
2. In approximately 12=18 months I will be at my target weight, and will have lost 65% of myself, of the size I am right now. Can you IMAGINE? This causes butterflies in my stomach! In a year and a half or a little less, I will weigh what I should....
3. With that being said-- With my height, and bone structure, I need to weight about 140-145. I will have lost another person!!!
4. So at say... 145lbs, what size would I be? I am so anxious to know this? I know we are all made different, but I really would like to know what size is a weight of 145, with a height of 5'2", with a larger bone structure.
5. What shape will my body be?
6. Will I lose my boobs? They are not very big as it is.
7. I will be able to bend over and tie my shoes.
8. I will look and feel better. I will have more energy.
9. My tummy won't touch my steering wheel in my car.
10. I will be able to ride a horse for the first time.
11. If we take trips... I won't be cramped in an airplane seat. And Southwest Airlines won't make me pay for an additional seat, cause I won't be a fat person anymore!
12.  Office chairs will last longer.
13. I will be able to wear a dress without it looking like a tarp.
14. I will be able to sit comfortably in a booth in a restaurant, and not be squished.
15. Will my feet and hands get smaller too? By how much? Will I lose a shoe size? Or will it just be the width of my foot?
16. Will my head shrink?
17. I can't wait til I can walk without friction going on between my thighs! If I was stranded on a desert island right now, I could start a fire between my thighs! Seriously!

So I have started with something small. I bought my first belt in over 13 years. It is two sizes smaller than what I am now. So by that time when some of this weight is lost, I will need a belt to hold up my jeans that I currently own. I will wear them baggy with a belt as long as I can. My plan is... to buy jeans that are smaller, and with a belt for that size, so that when I have to buy jeans, they will last a while, and I will wear those also with a belt and have them baggy for a while.  Clothes are so expensive. Until all my weight is lost, I think the thrift stores will be my shopping ground. Gotta go cheap if I am not going to be wearing them for very long. I don't like walmart clothes, they fit wierd. Well atleast their Plus Size clothes do anyway.

My next Lap-Band Appt is Tuesday July 10, 2012, at 9am to noon. It is a 3 hour appt that consists of a psych eval, a nutritionist appt, and a nurse practioner educational appt. GO ME!!!

This is it for me, until next time!

Welcome!

This is my first attempt at blogging. I am not a ‘write it down’ type of girl. My dad always told me that if you don’t want someone to read it, don’t write it down. If you don’t want someone to hear it, don’t say it out loud. Well, with social media and blogging being popular now and everyone putting it all down for the world to read, I have decided to write about my life and my journey.

I was never popular. I had a small handful of friends growing up. I didn’t need a lot of friends to fulfill my life. The few that I had were very important to me. I never had a lot of money. I was and still am just a middle of the road working mom. I live paycheck to paycheck, and struggle like most everyone out there. The economy doesn’t seem to be getting better. If it is, it sure isn’t in my neck of the woods.

I am married to my soul mate, Penny. I love her with all of me. We will be celebrating our year wedding anniversary June 30, 2012. I can’t imagine my life without her. She is my best friend, my partner, my wife… the love of my life. Then there is AngelLeigha, my little mini-me. I can’t even describe how much I love her! She is adopted. Angel was born prematurely at 21 weeks and weighed 2 pounds 2 ounces. She was in NICU for over 3months after she was born so early. She was very neglected and a mess when my ex-partner and I got her on her one year birthday. Only those close to us know Angel’s whole story. Long story short, she is now a walking, talking smart 5 year old, now kindergartner. You would not know by looking at her that she had such a rough start in life.

I share custody of Angel with my ex-partner (Mechelle).Angel lives with Mechelle full-time. I get her every other weekend, every other holiday, and I see her every week day, to take her to school. We put her in a private Christian school. She is doing so well.Angel just graduated preschool a couple weeks ago. I am so proud of her! She has come so far!

The reason for this blog is to make myself accountable for things in my life. I tend to be flighty and forgetful. My worst problem is that I have lost control of my eating and my weight. I can’t seem to get it under wraps. I obsess about food. I worry about what my next snack or meal will be and when. If I don’t have something readily available so I know it’s there, it stresses me out. I don’t even have to eat it; just knowing it is there comforts me. I have been obese, yes I said it, OBESE! MORBIDLY OBESE (I HATE those words), as far as I can remember. As much as I hate the sound of those words, they sure don’t stop me from obsessing and over eating. Now I am not talking that I can sit down and eat a whole large pizza in one sitting. No, I eat half the pizza (4 pieces). I don’t drink a 2 liter of soda with a meal. I will have a can of soda. I now drink diet soda. Don’t get me wrong… I can eat. It is just that I eat often – because I worry and obsess over it, it seems to comfort me in some sort of distorted way, and it’s the bad things that I eat. I love a piece of cake for a snack before bedtime with some ice cream and a glass of milk. Or a piece of pie with a glass of milk before bedtime. I don’t know what the word is that I am looking for, but my physical activity is almost none. Sedentary, that’s the word that just hit me. That is what I am. Sedentary. Couch potato. Well at the rate I am going, I am going to be a whole sack of potatoes on my couch if I don’t get control.

A little background: In 2010, about this time of year, I got approved for the Gastric Bypass Surgery. Where they cut away most of your stomach from the rest of it, to make it smaller. (sounds fun doesn’t it?) My surgery was set for August 2, 2010. At that time I was in a bad place in my life. I wanted a quick fix, no matter how drastic it was. When I was just 6 days away from surgery, and I cancelled it. My life was a mess, and so was I. My long term partnership with Mechelle (Angels other mom) ended in February 22, 2010. My father suddenly passed away March 28, 2010. My maternal grandmother passed away April 27, 2010. I had not yet dealt with any of those. I got into a fast relationship that turned abusive (emotionally, spiritually, and verbally) slowly over the weeks and months. I didn’t think I could get out of it. I was desperate to find my sanity again. I had no car, no job, hardly any money and no place to go so I could get out. My family is in the Kansas City MO area. I needed to get myself and my life together for me and Angel. And I did, just that.

The last two years have been such a growing and learning time in my life. I got out of the abusive relationship. I went to a battered women’s shelter, so I was essentially homeless. I was there for seven weeks. That was the longest seven weeks of my life. My mom gave me my father’s car, so me and Angel would be able to get around. Since I was at the shelter, I was approved for help to get my own apartment. And then I found this job. It all fell into place, once I made myself accountable for what I had gotten myself into.

Now I am very happy with my life. I have a great job. I have a wonderful wife and we have been married a year now, and a beautiful daughter. My family is a great support system. My mom, my brother, Onya, Nic and Jesse are my close family. I love them all to pieces. They are all back near Kansas City MO, in my home town. I miss them and love them so much! I have great friends. Most of them are online, and they support me accordingly. I have friends all over the world online. And have had these same friends for years. Even if we don’t talk every day anymore, they know I am there for them, as they are for me. No matter what choices I make, my family and friends are there if I need them. J

I want my blog to have a purpose. Not just writing down my life or feelings. I want to inspire. I want to be successful with my weight loss. It is going to be a rough start, but it can be done. Baby steps, I say, Baby steps. You have to start somewhere.

So this is where I am starting… NO MORE VERTICAL STRIPES. All of my bigger friends know what this means… that us fat people wear vertical stripes to give the illusion that we are thinner than what we really are. So, as of today, I am not going to wear vertical stripes anymore to make me look smaller. I am going to be smaller! It may take me 2 years or 5 years, but I am going to do it. I need to lose weight for my health. I want to be around to watch Angel get married and have grandchildren. I want to have a long happy life with my wife.

So as of right now I am going to make changes: some are small and some are big. These changes deal with choices. We make choices daily for everything. When the alarm goes off do I hit snooze or do I go ahead and get up? Do I make the bed when I get up or leave it in disarray? Do I make that pie I have been craving (more like obsessing about) or do I choose to eat no-sugar added applesauce instead? Do I give in and have a delicious full calorie loaded Pepsi, or drink that bottle of water I have been holding on to for days?

Well with our lives being all about choices, I am changing some of those choices that I make. For instance, I am using Splenda, Stevia, or Truvia instead of full calorie sugar. I am drinking a Diet Pepsi if I crave a real Pepsi. If I want kool-aid, I go for Crystal Light type drinks. I use the 1/3 reduced fat cream cheese instead of the regular one. Did you know fat free items have more carbs than a reduced fat item? Fat free cool whip has more carbs than the regular cool whip. I try to compare foods as often as I can. Sugar free Jello is a great snack. Angel can’t tell the difference.  And neither can I.

Well this is long enough for my first blog. I hope I have given you all something to think about or maybe some encouragement, or inspiration to make some changes. If you make the changes small, and slowly… the impact is far less drastic.